The Art of Couple’s Therapy

When intense emotional hurt happens in your romantic relationship, the tendency is to emotionally and sometimes physically distance yourself from your partner while desiring to be understood and comforted by them at the same time. However, this is contrary to the healthy communication strategies that are taught in couple’s therapy. The goal is for partner’s to learn to attune & become contributors to the healing process of one another. Learning how to effectively care for your significant other & to receive care from your partner simultaneously, is the beautiful dance that is taught through this work.

If we look at the concept of connecting at a spiritual level, as Christians we believe that our first relationship is with God. However many of us have neglected this relationship to the detriment of ourselves & therefore do not understand how to have effectual relationships with others. We have a tendency to distance ourselves from God when we have experienced a rupture in the relationship, typically caused by ourselves or others, but commonly perceived as a slight by God. Instead of going towards God for answers and comfort, many of us create a greater divide in hopes of avoiding the pain. This actually is a disservice to ourselves because it separates us from the One who can provide answers and solace and fails to equip us with the fortitude for our other relationships.

Tracking back, this same concept can be translated to our romantic and especially covenant relationship. We seek out romantic relationships with the hope to share our life with someone we love and desire to receive love from. Unfortunately, too many of us fuel the rift between our partner & ourself when we experience hardships, which causes us to seek to meet our intimacy needs through other avenues. This is how a number of relational ruptures can manifest in issues such as bitterness, hardness of heart, infidelity, and even addiction, etc.

In true couple’s therapy, you will be asked to metaphorically and even physically “hold” your significant other when they are difficult to hold. Furthermore, you will be asked to allow them to “hold” you when it feels more comfortable or “safe” to put more distance between yourselves. If you truly desire to repair your relationship, then this is the hard work that will be asked of you. The divide is what aided to the attachment injury in the first place, therefore, only by repairing attachment can true transformation occur. If you do not have any desire for reconciliation to happen, then this is not true couple’s therapy; this is either divorce counseling or separation counseling. Although goals may change during the process of therapy, if you are initially seeking couple’s therapy, expect the therapist to work with you and your partner on building connection and reinforcing commitment once the goal to salvage the relationship has been established.

My challenge to those who desire healing for your current or future marriage is to honestly make a note of when you identify yourself creating more distance between you and your partner. This may come during an argument, maybe when a “trigger” has occurred, or when a perceived or actual slight has taken place. In what ways can you find to turn towards your partner vulnerably rather than withdrawing from them in these instances? Write these things down and then implement them. Sometimes the withdrawing is not a physical one, but an emotional one. Maybe you lash out or “stonewall” when you feel hurt. Fight, flight, or freeze has historically and biologically shown to be a successful defense mechanism in times when there is imminent danger, however this is not a successful strategy or appropriate response to most relationship issues. Unfortunately our bodies do not typically differentiate between emotional “danger” and physical danger and therefore, our systems cause us to react similarly to various types of negative stimuli when a different response may be necessary to experience relief from the distress. The exception to this line of thinking is if you are experiencing abuse or your safety is at risk. Please know it is okay to separate yourself from the abuser while seeking out help because your safety is of the utmost priority. In all instances expressed above however, seek out a professional that aligns with your goals if you find that you need further help.

Here at Restoration Therapy Center, we believe in the power of God for reconciliation wherever His healing power is welcomed. We also understand the vital role of effective marriage and family therapy and so have invested our development to aiding couples who are on the road to separation and divorce yet are searching everywhere for another way. Uncovering the various dynamics that have contributed to the breakdown of the relationship and then seeking to rebuild healthy pathways to unification is our passion. This does not negate that the road ahead will be a difficult one; the goal is to reaffirm that the joy to be experienced from breakthrough is worth the risk.